TRUTHS AND LIES
by Donna McIntosh
Summary: Ennis thinks about all the truths and lies in his life.


Title: TRUTHS AND LIES

Author: Brokeback Mountain

Pairing: Ennis and Jack

Rating: R

Warning: none

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Annie Proulx.

Summary: Ennis thinks about all the truths and lies in his life.

TRUTHS AND LIES

It had been years since Ennis had been in a church. Not since his

parents had died and there'd been no one since to drag him against

his will into this place where he would be told about sinning and

going to hell. He knew he was a sinner and going to hell from the

time he was six years old; his daddy told him often enough. He

wasn't like his brother; not at all. K.E. loved telling dirty

jokes; using foul language; bullying the younger kids at school; even

got caught once sticking his hand down a girls blouse. He remembered

how his daddy laughed and clapped old K.E. on the shoulder and

said, "Now that's my boy!"

People were filing into the church and Ennis decided he'd better go

see if it was time for him to get ready to walk Junior down the

aisle. He was told no, at least another 10 minutes or so, so he sat

back down in the back row and let his thoughts wander again. He

remembered telling his first lie; he didn't get away with it. His

momma saw right through him; scolded him good. He could still hear

her words. "Son, a lie only satisfies the person who tells it."

Didn't know what that meant but he never lied to his momma again.

K.E. was fair game though. He lied to him every chance he got. Got

away with it most times too.

A tap on his shoulder, and a nod and he was drawn into the wedding

party. He walked Junior down the aisle and took his seat next to

Alma and Monore; in the parents pew. He was uncomfortable with the

seating arrangements but it was Junior's day and he'd sit wherever

she wanted him to. Soon they were all standing around outside taking

pictures and talking. He slipped up next to the bride, gave her a

special kiss and hug; shook Kurt's hand, made his excuses and left.

Driving home, his thoughts wandered. Couldn't believe his girls were

all grown up now. Junior married! It was hard for him to get him

mind around that. She was 19. The same age he was when he met

Jack. Jack. Always there at the back of his mind. Wondering where

he was; what he was doing. He hated the way they had left things

last time. That awful fight they had; the terrible things they said

to one another. He had to make that right somehow. He'd make it up

to him. Didn't know how but he'd think of something. He parked his

truck and went inside, fixed himself some lunch; a can of Dinty Moore

stew and a can of fruit cocktail. He toyed with the last grape at

the bottom of the can; got it and up-turned the can and drank the

rest of the juice. Cans in the trash, he sat in his recliner. He

lit a cigarette and relaxed.

Jack came to mind again; smiling blue eyes, tongue licking those

lips. Made his mind wander to just how talented those lips and

tongue were. He shifted uneasily in the chair and adjusted himself.

Wondered where Jack learned all that stuff. Wondered lots about

Jack. Always had lots of questions about Jack but was always afraid

to ask them. Didn't really want to know the answers. Wondered if

Jack would tell the truth if he did ask. He doubted it. He knew

Jack had lied to him. At least a time or two. He could tell by the

look in Jack's eyes. That look. It was there when he asked Jack if

everything was "normal" between him and Lureen. Jack had said it

was, but his eyes got this funny look in them, and Ennis knew he was

lying. He had asked Jack before if he had done those things with

other men and he said he hadn't, never would. Then he admitted to

going to Mexico and he sure as hell didn't go there for tacos!

He hadn't exactly been truthful at times either. He remembered

telling Jack he wasn't a sinner; that he hadn't had the opportunity.

That was a lie. He had done it with that girl, Irene what's her

name, who worked over at the cafe. Did it a couple of times before

she left town for Arizona. He'd more or less said, he'd never been

with another guy before either, but he did have the opportunity. He

had the offer made to him and he was sorely tempted to try it out

with this truck driver but didn't.

He was trying to decide whether to go with him or not when some of

the guy's buddies showed up and he took off. So he had lied to Jack;

but that was before. Back on the mountain when they were just

getting to know each other. Didn't know why he lied about it.

He was getting real good at lying and he hated it. Never could do it

without thinking about how disappointed him momma would be in him.

He couldn't help it though. His life had gotten so screwed up, lying

was all he could do. Had to keep his secrets. Couldn't risk

anyone finding out. Couldn't take the chance anyone seeing them

together. He could tell that hurt Jack. Shoot, Jack seemed like it

didn't even matter to him who saw them! He had explained to him

about what he had seen as a kid. What had been done to his

neighbor. He remembered old Earl and Rich. Didn't know why people

laughed about them all the time. He even remembered one time bein at

the grocery store for a popsicle and lacked 3 cents having enough to

pay for it. Rich was behind him in line and laid out the three

pennies on the counter for him. He thanked him and ran off but

didn't tell any one about it. Afraid what folks might say. He'd been

given strict orders from his Pa that he was not to speak to either

Earl or Rich should he ever run into them. He guessed that was lying

too, cause he never told. He knew his Pa would skin him alive if he

knew.

He stubbed his cigarette out in the ashtray on the floor by his

chair. He didn't always lie. He tried to redeem himself. He always

told the truth when he could. It was the truth when he told his baby

girls he loved them. Whispered it in their ears when they was little

curly haired babies. Told them different times over the years too.

That was always the truth. It wasn't the truth though when he said

those words to Alma. He knew it on his wedding day when he said them

but knew it was expected so he said it. Couldn't remember ever

saying again after that day. Lied to her a lot actually. Especially

about going fishing with Jack. They did fish a little, but not all

that much and some times not at all. But still, they always called

them their fishing trips.

He had told a lie that last time they were together. His child

support was just about finished. It was finished for Junior and had

only a few more months for Jenny. It wasn't that he couldn't quit

that job, it was that he didn't want to. Jobs were not all that easy

to come by and he liked the guy he was working for. Old man Cole was

a good man, easy to work for and didn't ask any personal questions.

Besides; he was getting scared. Scared people were looking at him

Funny; like they knew. That's why he started seeing Cassie. To

keep everyone's mouth shut. Guess he had lied to her too. She was

expecting their relationship to go someplace; mainly the altar but

there was no way in hell he was going to go through that again. He

dated her long enough for everyone in town to see them together at

one time or another then dropped her. She was OK in bed but she

didn't like it when he turned her over and she let him know it; and

if he couldn't get it the way he wanted it, why bother?

He pulled the lever on the chair and let it go back. He stretched

one arm up over and behind his head, the other drummed aimlessly on

the arm of the chair. Another two months before he could see Jack

again. He was going to get August after all and was anxious to tell

him about it. He's wait till just before then send Jack a postcard.

He wished he could see the look on Jack's face when he read it!

Having August again should put Jack in a better mood. He hated it

when they fought. Jack was right about a lot of the things he'd

said. It was selfish of him to expect that Jack do without just

because he was afraid to give him what he needed more often. Hell,

he needed it more often too but he made do. Jack wasn't like that

though. He wanted what he wanted and wasn't into compromising.

He wondered if Jack had a boyfriend down in Texas. Someone who was

giving him what he wasn't. He reached for another cigarette and lit

it angrily, drew deeply on it. He'd better not! Better not let him

catch him at it! Jack's words echoed in his mind, "You have no idea

how bad it gets!" . "Yeah, I do, Bud." he said the words out

loud. "Believe me I know." He rubbed himself and tried to imagine

Jack doing the same thing, pleasuring himself. A shadow came over

that image in his mind and another man was there, touching Jack,

making him smile that smile he gets.

He slammed the chair into the up-right position, got up and paced the

floor. He couldn't stand it. Couldn't stand the thought of someone

else putting hands on his Jack.

He poured himself a drink and swigged half of it down. He was still

shaking with frustration and anger. "You better not be givin it to

nobody else, Jack fuckin Twist!" He hated this life he had created

for himself. Hated it and wanted it to end. Couldn't stand it any

longer. He picked up the phone and dialed.

"Jack Twist here?" came the cheery reply.

"Ennis Del Mar here and I'm lonely as hell and need to talk to you.

Are you alone?"

"Hold on a second. Let me close the door." There was a moments

pause. "You OK, Cowboy? You never called me before."

"No, I ain't. We gotta talk, Bud. We gotta resolve this

situation 'tween us. It's killin me." He sat on the side of his

bed, head in hand. elbow on his knee.

"It's killin me too, Ennis. I hate it when we fight like that."

"I'm sorry 'bout that. It's my fault. I know it is. I don't wanna

do that anymore."

"What is it exactly that you do want, Ennis?"

"Same thing you want; us together."

There was silence on the line for a time. "Give up that job then.

Come away with me. We'll find us a place, out in the country

somewhere. Close to a bigger city. Big enough so's everyone don't

know each other. We could come and go as we please. As long as we

don't start humping each other in front of everybody, we should be

OK. I know you're scared 'bout it, but it's the only way, Ennis. We

need to be together."

"We do, for a fact." Ennis said quietly considering the offer.

"You missin me, Cowboy?" Jack teased.

"So much, I can't hardly stand it. Worried you'll take up with some

Texan and forget all 'bout me." Now that was one truth he should

have spoken long ago.

"Oh, Ennis, Ennis." he sighed. "I not gonna lie to you. There

have been others; only when I couldn't stand it no more. They aren't

you though. They aren't what I want; the only one I've wanted for all

these years." That was the truth; Ennis could tell by the way he said

it; kinda sad like.

"You still wanna try this thing?" He asked.

"You mean, a place for the two of us? You serious?" Jack couldn't

believe his ears.

"Yeah. I'm serious. Ain't nobody gets to live forever. If they

come after us, we'll just have to take it as it comes."

"Ennis Del Mar! You sayin what it sounds like you're sayin?" He was

standing now, pacing around his desk.

"If is sounds like I'm sayin I want you for keeps, then that's what

I'm sayin."

"YeeeeeeeeHaaaaaawwwww!" Jack yelped and swung an arm and wiped all

the papers, folders, & stuff off the top of his desk.

"When? When can I come get you?" He was breathless.

"How soon can you get up here?" Ennis grinned into the phone, trying

to imagine the look on Jack's face.

"It's a fourteen hour drive. I'll be there in thirteen!" Jack was

already dialing the numbers on his safe. It clicked open. He

reached in and pulled out the briefcase he'd been keeping at the

ready.

"Now, don't you go doin nothin stupid. You drive carefully. I'll

see if I can get old man Cole on the phone."

"You do that. Do that right now before you change your mind." Jack

encouraged, trying to shrug into his jacket and talk on the phone at

the same time.

"I will, Bud. I will. I just got one more things to say to

you 'fore we hang up."

"What's that, Cowboy?"

"I love you. I guess you already knew that."

"I do know that, Ennis. Just wondered if you'd ever come to realize it."

."Guess I always knew it; just afraid to admit it." He paused for a

moment. "There's something else needs sayin. All that stuff I said

to you over the years. It wasn't all true."

"Don't matter. It's in the past. Truth is all that matters and

truth is we love each other and we belong together."

"That's the truth, for sure." Ennis agreed. "No lies from the past

matter now. We start clean from here. OK?"

"You got a deal. Think maybe I just might have to fly up there.

Drivin's too slow."

"Whatever it takes to get you here as soon as possible," Ennis was

giddy with happiness -- a feeling he'd never known.

"I love you, Cowboy. Can't wait to get my arms 'round you." he was

breathless with excitement.

Someone was knocking on his office door. "I'll call you and let you

know what time I'm gettin in. See you soon."

"Can't wait." He hung up the phone and started a flurry of house

cleaning.

Jack opened his door to see L.D. standing there. "What the fuck you

got the door locked for; you got someone in here?"

Jack opened his briefcase and pulled out the letter on top, dated it

and hurled it at the old man. "My letter of resignation, you old son

of a bitch. I'm outta here." He brushed past him and out the door.

THE END


End file.
